For the latter part of 2016, I experienced the most gruesome betrayal, a betrayal that affected my whole being – from the company I keep, to how I move, to where I go and who I allow into my personal space, this year – was a year of relearning who I am and what I was truly capable of.
I thought I understood what stress can do to a person’s body when I disappeared last year and became a walking skeleton, because depression had owned my soul on that level, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the amount of restless nights that my family would go through because of how traumatized I was from dealing with betrayal, manipulation and emotional abuse. I experienced violation in ways I was never actually prepared for because my mother always said that I should give people the benefit of the doubt. For a large portion of whats happened in my life, when I look back there have been moments where I was incredibly vile towards some people, and last year was a reminder of how karma comes back tenfold, but then I learnt something – you can either wait on karma to help you move on, or you can create your own karma.
I spent months waking up from night sweats, apparently screaming, yelling and crying. I knew there was a subconscious reality that was plauging me, but I underestimated how that subconscious could manifest to the extremeties it did. I don’t remember much about those dreams – I just know that it felt as though a demoic figure had been present in my life while I dealt with dragging people for filth for all the drama and pain they had caused me while I was in the hospital. I became increasingly paranoid, sleep had once become a space of solitude for me and now it had been poisoned.
I had to make a decision, to go back to therapy with Dr Nagel and Dr Kato-Kalule or to continue proving to myself after all their help during my time in Vista and post-Vista that I could get through this – not because I felt like I couldn’t but because I needed to prove to myself that I was strong enough and capable enough to challenge the status quo that had been torturing me for months on end.
I did – I was the David in a situation where it seemed as though Goliath was going to win because in the grandeur scheme of things – I was minute, but I took that challenge and I made it through and just like that – the night sweats and nightmares stopped. The constant looking over my shoulder and living in fear was at an end. Finally, the names Debbie and Gavin no longer held any power over my life. I had freed myself from the clutches of Satan’s grip. I could breathe.
I have since learnt how to live a much more fulfilling life, one where I protect the things that matter the most to me – with a circle that has stood by me through each test presented to me over the last couple of years.
2018 will prove to be more challenging, atleast I know one thing – depression and anxiety – although may have affects on me on some days – they no longer control me and I couldn’t be more thankful to Dr Nagel and Dr Kato-Kalule for reminding me of who Ngoako is.
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