Have you ever experienced a heartbreak so devastating that it taught you how to emotionally disconnect from people? A heartbreak so life altering that it forced you into becoming a shell of yourself? A heartbreak so earth shattering that it made you shy away from everyone that loved you?
Well, I have. I experienced the most devastating heartbreak and loss in September of 2018. I was so different in the weeks and months after that break up that my mind was in a constant state of fuzziness. I was so lost, hurt and confused, but most painfully – I’d become a shell of the powerful women I was. That break up devastated me on levels I don’t think I will ever comprehend and really led me down a path of not wanting to be around any new man, or even the men who loved me enough to keep reminding me that I was more than enough. I was an empty shell walking aimlessly amongst other human beings and attempted everything to manage the anxiety that came with running into him, or even just dealing with meeting new people in any public place.
I lived in a state of recluse, refused to go out and just live because I was so afraid of dealing with the pain that came with understanding not only the loss of the break up, but the loss of a baby that I had had dreams about carrying for years on end. Losing her left me even more empty and I had to find a way to just exist and rebuild knowing that I felt like my body had betrayed me because I didn’t carry her full term. It’s been a few months since everything fell apart and a part of me still wishes that it hadn’t all fallen apart the way it did. Grieving has become a constant state of ups and downs, combine that with living with depression and anxiety and you’ll find a human being so badly consumed by grief that you could not even get a smile out of her. That was my constant state. For a while, and although at some point I became really good at hiding how much pain I was in, a lot of what happened just seemed like a blur that I had to clear up.
It’s been a few months, months of self hate, months of confusion, months of questions, months of numb feelings, months of just drowning myself in anything that would create a long distraction for my mind, enough to just make me tired enough to sleep and get up to do it the next day.
That process was also the beginning of another awakening for me, the beginning of assessing and focusing on what self-love meant to ME. Me in a way that allowed me to turn my pain into something beautiful for me. I then reassessed, I reassessed my life and what I wanted from it, who I wanted to be in it, and how I wanted to be while living it. In one of my therapy sessions I kept saying that “I deserve to love me the way I give love”, and it took me a while to realize how defining those words for me.
So I made a few changes, surrounded myself with people who have always been in my corner, removed myself from anything I believed was not good for me and kept it moving because I deserved to laugh and smile from a genuinely happy place. It took a while but it happened, and when it happened, something really strange started happening along with it. I stopped second guessing myself, I stopped questioning myself and I became more determined in protecting myself and my peace. I fought for me, because I deserved it and learnt that life with all its imperfections will only bring you joy when you genuinely feel that you are joy.
It’s been a few months now, a few long months and I finally take deep breaths, without it feeling like my heart is going to stop from the pressure on it. This was the moment, the moment of awakening and it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.