I wanted someone whose version of arguing was talking to me and not at me.
Someone who believes in the depth of intimacy being more than just physical. Someone who understood the need to communicate their feelings and the magic of vulnerability.
Someone whose hand I want to hold and can’t because they bring out the shyness in me. I wanted someone who was so different from me and yet somehow still the same. A person who understands that building together is a key element in growing together and growing in love forever. Someone whose fears included failing their kids even before their existence because they wanted to be the best parent they could be. Someone who understood the need for honesty and transparency as much as I do.
A person whose heart I wanted to protect and whose mind I wanted to invest in unpacking. I wanted to be with someone who understood our need to exist on our own and still be caught up in each other when we were apart. Someone whose laugh and smile would leave me weak. Whose name popping up on my phone screen would excite me like a 2 year old who just received a new toy. I wanted someone who wanted us to be the only ones who knew what we are, and valued us on the same level that I did. Someone who I could find myself writing about at 1am and smile.
See the thing with being in a toxic relationship is that once you leave it and you find someone who makes your heart flutter, you look for things that are wrong and prepare for the worst. You wait for that someone to hurt you, to betray you to lie to you and disrespect you.
I found someone who gives me the opposite, someone whose thoughts I look forward to hearing. Someone who I look forward to seeing just because time with him is so important. Someone who I want to get into my car for just to give him a hug when he’s not okay. Someone who creates the want for physical intimacy by providing the need for non-physical intimacy. A person who feels that I am as much of a safe space for him as he is for me, who understands that my mental health may not always be 100’s but still feels the need to check if it is anyways.
I am finding all of this with you. It scares me. But it makes me feel like I can drop my guard and walls for you so you can see me, see me deeper than I’d ever allow anybody else to see.
I’m scared and excited, but most of all … open to seeing what this whole journey is going to be. I guess what’s happening is you’re slowly becoming an extension of me, while creeping in to being a part of me.
You can follow me on twitter: @LeratoMannya