It’s only been 13 days since I got back to reality, and it’s been interesting to say the least. I’ve literally spent this year trying not to die inside but a lot of me was stolen – because I chose to allow certain things to happen. Even in my allowing it, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t okay… and the end result was a collision of “when it rains it pours.”
I was in the hospital for November, and during my stay there I had to unpack a lot of things. I had enough time to sit and think about what I was going through and how it has affected me. I did, and the emotional release was so hectic because I did a lot of crying. During my stay at the hospital I had A LOT of people coming at me with negative energy, which I guess they were in the right to do, unbeknownst to them, it actually did more damage than good. But beyond the process of being in the hospital, I was extremely anxious to get back into a society I knew I didn’t feel safe in. I told my friends and family this and they have tried by all means to make sure that my return to ‘normality’ is a safe one. One that will continue to help me heal and one that won’t do more harm. I’ve been trying to find the words to express my gratitude towards them, for their unconditional love and support, but somehow words don’t seem like they’re enough. They didn’t leave me, they stuck with me through it all and believed that I could make it – even when I didn’t believe I could. That was a key reminder of the kind of love I’m surrounded by, the kind of reminder I needed to eliminate all toxicity in my life, and it’s been such an important lesson because they manage to keep me focused on my healing process.
Last weekend, we took my little Chevrolet Spark, blasted music and road tripped to Harties. It was all last minute planning and I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen but it did. Halfway through the hike, I felt very faint – the trees became blurry, my heart rate spiked and I felt like I was going to pass out. They took care of me. Made sure I was okay to continue and encouraged me till we finished the 6.5km hike. I couldn’t believe that I with my very weak and fragile body could do that. It was a lot to be proud of. The road to the hiking trail was a dirt road, we drove over stones and onto a beautiful pathway that revealed the beauty of South Africa to me again, I really wasn’t sure if my little vehicle could handle the dirt road, but it did – it handled it like a beast, and I guess in a strange way, to me that was a representation that power comes in small packages too, just like me. You can go through a rough patch but if you continue moving forward and focus on your destination, you will get there.
When I got home I sat and thought about what had happened earlier that day and I realized that my friends had triggered a spark of my desire to travel, again. I needed that roadtrip. I needed to do something I had deprived myself of – time to appreciate the small things in life, the beauty of things and to be blessed with a spark of excitement for something I missed doing is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received. I’ve decided to continue traveling South Africa, as part of my healing process. I was scared to share what I’ve been through (I haven’t shared much in this piece but I will share pieces as I continue my healing process).
It may take me a while to reach full recovery, but I’m willing to bet that I will recover – completely. I hope you guys will join me on this journey of self discovery, of rediscovery. I’m sharing this process, it’s important for my healing but mostly because writing makes me feel good – but more so cause I hope someone out in the world, in this country finds strength in my posts – knowing that there’s sunshine at the end of every storm.