Fearfully, I’m fearfully falling in heavy like with someone and I’m unable to control how I feel.
I hate it.
I’ve hated knowing that someone has added so much peace to my life that their absence is felt when they aren’t around. I’m scared, and I’ve never been terrified of falling for someone but this time, this time I’m fearful. Putting on a facade that not knowing how he feels doesn’t bother me, on good days it doesn’t but on bad days it does. Because I find myself asking the questions that 19 year old me would ask.
The naïveté of life’s painful experiences depriving me of feeling everything. And then there’s silence. Stares at the ceiling and heart palpitations when I know I’m going to see him soon. It’s that fear of allowing him to know how I really feel that keeps my heart strapped to chains. I’m suffocating. Suffocating from the fact that someone is treating me so well and being so honest with me that the possibility of it being too good to be true takes over on most days.
Scared that I may choke the life out of what this is… this thing… this undefined thing that leads me to missing someone that’s new to my life, that makes me avoid entertaining someone else and keeps me at home because I’d rather be alone than risk messing this up. It’s … a lot for me to take in, and in moments where I find my heart beat slowing down there’s a sudden spark… it’s like my mind is activated when I hear his opinions, his thoughts are so enticing and even though he tells me that he learns a lot from me, he has no idea how much I learn from him on a daily.
It’s irreplaceable, the feeling of being so attracted to someone’s mind that you end up creating a utopian experience subconsciously. Palms sweating, make up off, nothing but shorts and a tee and somehow he still looks at me like I’m adding so much peace to his life. I’ve sat as tears streamed down my face before, heart break isn’t something I’m good with handling and now, I’m afraid of the one thing I never thought I’d be afraid of… allowing my facade to fall and letting someone into my heart completely.
You bother me.
By disrupting the way in which I’ve engaged with relationships and reminding me that things don’t have to be toxic in order to be valued. By showing me that communicating doesn’t mean screaming and yelling each other. That disappointment doesn’t have to be a constant, that canceling plans doesn’t mean I’m not valued because he reaffirms me when he makes the time to see me again, when I’m scared of being around his friends but he holds my hand and leads me through it. Holding my breath and closing my eyes to experience it all in the moment, and yet I sit here and wonder… how do I avoid falling for someone that disrupts the very way in which I’ve always experienced love?
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